As parents, we all have dreams for our children—visions of success, happiness, and, let’s be honest, sometimes a dash of “doing things the way we would.” But as our kids grow into young adults, they may start to make choices that can leave us scratching our heads, feeling a bit frustrated, or even biting our tongues. And…that’s normal.
But here’s a little wisdom that can make the journey smoother: Analytical psychologist Carl Jung reminds us, there’s a powerful truth hidden in our irritation. He said, “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
That’s more than just psychologist-speak. When we feel frustrated by our young adult’s choices, it might be a cue to look inward. Sometimes, our irritation reveals our own stuff—unmet dreams, hidden fears, or hopes that our child’s success will prove we did a good job as parents.
Realizing this doesn’t mean we care any less about our kids; it just means we’re human, navigating our own feelings alongside their journey.
Here are some ways to turn those moments of irritation into insight (and maybe even lighten our own load a bit):
- Spot Your Own Unfulfilled Dreams: When we feel a pang of disappointment or frustration, it might be because we see our young adult making choices that remind us of paths we didn’t—or couldn’t—take. For example, maybe you wanted to travel the world but ended up building a career close to home, and now your child’s desire to settle down young feels, well, confining. That’s okay. Recognizing that our feelings are more about us than about them lets us release some of the pressure we’re placing on tour children to fulfill dreams that are, at their core, ours.
- Check for Sneaky Shame: Sometimes we feel responsible for our children’s choices as if their every step reflects back on us as parents. It’s natural, but that thought can quickly lead to a spiral of “What did I do wrong?” or “Why aren’t they doing things my way?” Giving ourselves permission to step back from this mindset opens up space to accept that our young adult’s journey is their journey and not a reflection of us.
- Let Go of Control (and Breathe!): Parenting a young adult means letting go bit by bit, which can feel unsettling. When they start making decisions on their own—ones we might not agree with or understand—it can stir up a feeling of losing control. But remember, we can still stay connected through encouragement and empathy rather than trying to steer their ship. This is our time to cheer them on from the sidelines rather than holding the wheel.
- Check in With Your Truth: The next time you’re feeling irritated with your young adult, try to pause and ask, “What’s this really about?” Maybe your frustration is more about a worry that they’re not preparing for their future. Is this a reflection of your own anxieties? Or maybe their laid-back attitude toward success is just too close to a part of you that you’ve worked hard to overcome? Taking this pause helps us remember that their choices are about them, not us, and it allows us to respond with more calm and kindness.
- Turn Frustration Into Connection: Parenting a young adult means growing alongside them. In decades of work with young people, nearly every one of them has told me they wish their parents would do this one thing: Find ways to connect that don’t involve telling them what to do and how to do things (hard, I know!). By looking inward when we feel frustrated, we gain the chance to be the kind of supportive parent we want to be, free of hidden agendas. Instead of projecting our own fears or dreams onto our young adults, we get to be present with them—discovering who they truly are and supporting their unique journey.
Even when our young adults’ choices surprise us, they offer a unique window into who they’re becoming—and it’s a privilege to watch. When we focus on the things we appreciate about them, from their creativity to their resilience, we shift from frustration to appreciation. Each time we pause and reflect instead of reacting, we’re choosing to parent from a place of love and acceptance. We’re showing our young adult that they don’t have to live up to any pre-set definition of success for us to accept them, that our love is unwavering, and that we appreciate the adults our children are becoming.
