Sometimes advocating for what you want–and need–will require negotiation.
I teach my clients that negotiation is not just about getting what you want—it’s about finding solutions where everyone feels they matter.
Negotiation often evokes images of high-stakes boardrooms, tense conversations, and winners and losers. But the truth is, negotiation is not just about getting what you want; it’s about finding solutions where everyone matters. I like the definition of mattering from Dr. Isaac Prileltensky. People “feel valued and add value”. With this definition in mind, the most successful negotiators wouldn’t merely seek victory; they’d aim for a win-win outcome. Maybe you really love to win–Understood. Read on to discover how to negotiate and achieve your goals without taking away what someone else has.
Shift Your Mindset from Competition to Collaboration
Many people approach negotiations with a zero-sum mentality, believing that for them to gain, someone else must lose. Instead, approach negotiation as a collaborative problem-solving non-zero exercise, where both parties work together to find mutually beneficial solutions. When both sides feel heard and respected, they are more likely to compromise, making it easier to achieve an agreement that satisfies both parties.
Understand Their Needs, Not Just Your Own
One of the biggest mistakes people make in negotiations is focusing solely on their own needs and goals and ignoring the other party’s perspective. Invest time to understand the other person’s needs, concerns, and objectives. Ask open-ended questions, actively listen to their responses, and build rapport that will help you uncover areas where your interests align.
Explore Options Together
Brainstorm multiple options that could meet both parties’ interests. Being open to different possibilities demonstrates flexibility and a willingness to find a middle ground. This approach can uncover creative solutions that neither party had initially considered, making it easier to reach a satisfying outcome.
Focus on the Problem, Not the Person
Notice if you start seeing the other person as an adversary rather than a partner. Keep the focus on the problem, not the individual, reframing it as, “How can we work together to find a solution that works for both of us?” This keeps the conversation constructive and goal-oriented.
Be Willing to Walk Away, but Leave the Door Open
Sometimes, despite your best efforts, negotiations may not yield an immediate agreement. In this case, it’s important to know when to walk away gracefully. However, parting ways doesn’t have to be permanent. Keep the lines of communication open, express your willingness to revisit the conversation in the future, and preserve the relationship. Keep the possibility of a mutually beneficial outcome alive.
By approaching negotiation with a collaborative mindset, focusing on shared interests, and being open to creative solutions, you can achieve your goals without diminishing the other person’s value. The best negotiations are not about winning or losing; they’re about creating outcomes where everyone matters: They feel valued, add value, are respected, understood…and satisfied.
Parents, learn more about creating allies in The Effort Myth: Chapters 5 and 11
