“Turn your fast listening on,” Mira chirped as Ryan slowly looked up from his computer screen. A newer risk analyst on the team, Ryan had already stopped processing what he called “incoming”, his term for the rat-a-tat of critical feedback his manager, Mira, delivered in the 5-minute 1 to 1 they had each Thursday.
This was Mira’s latest attempt at offering feedback to him. “You never listen,” Ryan heard. “I really shouldn’t have to keep after you like this. You always leave things till the last minute. We just don’t have time for that in this department. What are you going to do about it?”
Feedback often fails to lead to learning and improvement. Both givers and receivers of feedback are responsible for making it effective. Whether you think Mira was harsh or helpful, Ryan is still in the position of making behavior changes as a result of their interaction.
Feedback Fails
If feedback feels like a personal attack, Ryan might react defensively or feel humiliated. Instead of making the executive function of more attention available for listening and retaining important information, his negative emotions could reduce his working memory and Mira’s message may never land at all.
If feedback feels like a chore, Mira herself might be missing what is objectively good about Ryan’s performance. She might attribute his behavior to character flaws and use permanent (“never”) and pervasive (“always”) language, leaving Ryan feeling pessimistic about positive outcomes, too.
For both the giver and receiver of feedback, it’s easy to become a judging mind reader or fortune teller. “He doesn’t care.” “She thinks I’m incompetent.” “This will never get better.” Oh, my!
Feedback Wins
What to consider before GIVING feedback…and what to say:
- Focus on the facts…not interpretations about behaviors: I notice [facts].
- Breathe. Notice personal needs and fears being mixed into the business case. I feel [emotion].
- Write the desired actions and outcomes in advance. I want [action/outcome].
- Identify how support and belief in the other person can be demonstrated. What do you need to be successful with [task, project]?
- Plan how the exchange be reviewed, beyond what is heard in what might be an emotionally charged moment. Can you write that in [our shared notes]?
What to consider when you RECEIVE feedback…and what to say:
- Focus on the facts…not interpretations about behaviors: I notice [facts].
- Breathe. Notice your mindchatter. Is it defensive? Worried? Notice it briefly, I feel [emotion].
- Identify support will help you be successful with the task or project. I need [help].
- Re-state the desired actions and outcomes in advance. It sounds like you want [action/outcome].
- Record the timeline, expectations, and resources. Let me write that in [our shared notes].
In this way, both feedback-givers like Mira and receivers like Ryan can share responsibility for ensuring that feedback leads to learning and improvement.
